Welcome to the final episode! I'm not sure how I've felt about this season overall.... was it frustrating to listen to Chad for the first 6 weeks? Yes. Was it boring to watch Robby and Chase? Also yes. Do I care who wins at this point? I'm not really sure! But regardless, let's get this show on the road!

We dive right in to Jordan's meeting with Jojo's family. We are introduced to her parents and brother and a girl who I am not sure if it's Jojo's sister or sister-in-law, but I am sure that it is Kylie Jenner pre-lip injections.

Buy my lip kit?

Jordan hands out weird hats to everyone and then chats with the parents, who are both hard on him and wonder if Jojo can trust him. The problem with being so suave is that people may not see it as genuine. And it may not be! But if it is, it must be frustrating to never have people believe your intentions. I guess that's the price of pure, unadulterated man-beauty. Jojo's mom thinks the two of them are too much alike, but Jojo isn't interested in hearing that. 

Jordan doesn't specifically ask Jojo's dad if he can marry her, something he's been talking about doing all season, so I'm guessing that will either come back to haunt him or he will just call him up later in the episode to ask. 

The family date goes by fast and then we are instantly on to Robby's time. He arrives in the exact same open-air red Thai taxi, goes through the same chats with the parents (Jojo must have made the brothers stay on the sidelines this time, since they scared Ben so badly last season. Smart move.), but does one thing differently: he asks for Jojo's hand...in marriage. This brings everyone to tears. I just don't know about Robby. Jojo says that her favorite thing about him is "the way he makes me feel." But is that really something about Robby? Does he have any interesting personality traits, or ideas, or even a sense of humor? Not that we've seen! 

Adios Robby!

After Jojo bids Robby adieu and sends him back in his lil red taxi she goes to hear what her family thinks. They are all really into Robby, because he was more open with him feelings (some may argue TOO open), and wants to propose to her here, now! She freaks out and asks if Jordan asked for her hand, and they say no. And I believe that this, right here, is the reason she is now so torn. Crying, and even rolling her eyes at her mother. I guarantee if Jordan had asked, she would know exactly what to do, but now she is scared to risk choosing him and not getting that sweet, sweet Neil Lane bling. 

Reverting back to teenage "Joelle" when in her mother's presence

The next day Robby and Joelle/Jo/Jojo hang on the beach and Robby spins up a little tale of domesticity for her, describing their future life together. Something about bonus rooms and meatloaf and sav blanc, which isn't my ideal but perhaps its Jojos. She uses her moves that she learned on the yoga date (getting more use out of it than I would have thought!) and straddles Robby on the beach. 

Chase isn't going to be happy!

Later that night they go back to the hotel and talk more about their love. Robby gives her a bundle of pics (and we later learn that Jordan also has a bundle, so this was clearly not either of their actual ideas), and who knew all this time there was someone not only filming them but taking photos! The most interesting part of this date is the fact that Robby is still wearing the slippers he stole early on (I  refuse to believe these are new ones from the current hotel).

Jojo, someday our dog can fetch me these very slippers in the morning when he brings us the newspaper

Moving on to Jordan. Note that Jojo didn't run to him on the bridge, so I think she's a bit mad that he didn't ask her dad if he could propose. Or, as he constantly refers to it "get on a knee." Jordan, this isn't a football huddle. It's called proposing. Say the word or I don't believe that you are interested!! JoJordan set off on the high seas in a pirate ship and then take kayaks to a small beach where Jojo can grill him on why he didn't ask for her parents blessing. They continue to talk about this into the night and it's incredibly frustrating to watch because they seem to both be misunderstanding each other. Jojo is taking Jordan's saying "if" he proposes to mean he isn't sure if he wants to, when I'm pretty sure what he means is that he thinks SHE isn't sure if she's going to pick him. Essentially, he doesn't want to ask someone's dad for a blessing if he isn't going to be chosen, basically meaning that someday down the line when he meets another person he wants to marry, he will have to do it for a second time. I think that's respectable. I also like that Jojo could describe actual things about Jordan that she liked. They don't seem to come to an understanding, at all. 

What did I tell you?? Calling the parents

The men both pick out rings (I liked Jordan's better, personally, but they were both good), and they both write Jojo letters that cause her to sob uncontrollably, as she likes to do when she is dressed in formal wear and full make-up. Both men are VERRRRRRY confident that they are "winning." I am starting to feel for Robby. He is very into this. I will admit that it must have been easy for Jojo to enjoy feeling so loved by someone. I get that. But there's got to be more to it, and it has to go both ways! Up until Jordan wrote her that letter, she just wasn't sure that he would propose. Once she knew, her decision was made. 

The beach looked very hot and sweaty as she tells repeatedly tells Robby how much she wished it was him. I don't know if thats very comforting. They are both crying and sweaty. 

Well, that was disappointing

So, by process of elimination, Jordan is the winner! Jojo is excited and so is he. Both of their hands were shaking as they put the ring on, which I thought was cute. This is not surprising in any way, since we all saw it from week one, but now we know for sure. Best wishes to you two crazy kids! I have no idea if they will last but I guess they have just as much chance as any of the rest of us!! I will miss seeing Jordan's face every week, though. Definitely a Bachelorette highlight for me!! What did you guys think??

Off into the sunset

Hey y'all! And, we're back. We start the episode where we left off last week, the romantic, intimate airport hanger. Jojo gets back to the business of rose dispersal and to my utter shock (and dismay) she is sending Luke home. I truly don't understand why, and her explanation doesn't help me at all. She said she was struggling to know how he felt....something we never heard her say or mention, and something I don't even think is true. So whats really going on, huh Jojo??

I've lost the ability to blink

Luke was floored, and Jojo could barely stop crying long enough to board her flight to Thailand with her other three boyfriends. She says she misses Luke already, but I doubt we will hear another word about him the rest of the episode. 

Instead, lets go see what Robby (yuck) has to say for himself. The two of them wander around a market and then during a rainstorm they get foot massages, which actually sounds pretty nice. I really dislike the way Robby is constantly selling himself. His exact words were "I've always been honest with you. A perfect example of that would be Uraguay, when I told you I loved you." I mean he has the structure down great for a persuasive essay, but for normal conversation it's a bit off-putting. He says this not in response to Jojo questioning his honesty, which might actually make sense. He also already said this exact thing, last week. Once again Jojo is like, "Yeah, I know." We ALLLLLLL know. And none of us care. I feel no chemistry between them and I don't know what he's still here!!!

Anyway. They go sit in front of plates of food and talk some more about being in love. That is literally all they do. When do they actually fall in love, or show love? Jojo briefly pretends like she has to think about whether or not to give Robby the fantasy suite card (yeah right.) She does, and then Robby starts calling her Joelle, so thats kinda weird. 

Rapunzel?

She leaves Robby's room to take a brief shower before meeting up with Jordan on the beach. I like it when Jojo looks sporty and her freckles show, I think she looks prettier that way, and thats how she is with Jordan for their hike to a temple in a cave. It looked cool and they aren't allowed to kiss. Jojo has also taken care to respect the temple by covering her shoulders. I guess they don't care about legs showing, cuz her shorts aren't covering much! She claims to be unsure if Jordan wants to be with her forever. 

Why hike when you could stay on the beach??

Jojo keeps bringing up that the guys are saying and doing all the same things Ben did, and then he dumped her so how does she know the same won't happen again. Well, for one, you're in charge now, so maybe take some time to decide who YOU like instead of just waiting for them to all fall madly in love with you. For two-- don't go on the same show if you don't want the same problems? Just some advice from a friend!  

Jojo's second first breakfast 

Next up is Chase. Another boring option. I've also realized that I could never appear on this show because I don't look good in short-shorts (yep, thats the only reason!). They hang out on a boat and on the beach and then split up to prepare for dinner, when Robby swings by Jojo's room to say hi. Uhg. Go away. 

Kind of on a date but sure, come on in

After dinner Jojo and Chase head to the fantasy suite where he declares his undying love for her. She doesn't want to hear it! She's not feelin' it and doesn't think it's fair to continue the night. The only thing I am surprised about was that Chase made it to Thailand at all. Perhaps Jojo is wishing this was Luke instead??

Chase gets understandably upset when she asks him to keep talking to her, after he poured his heart out. He, and I, think he has said enough. He was scared to say I love you, and now he regrets it. This smells like a storyline that should be more thoroughly explored on The Bachelor?? Maybe Chase would be less boring there. 

Annnywho. All that's left now is the 2-man rose ceremony....Until!

Wha??

Actually what's shocking is not that Chase shows up but that I can't tell if this is 3 separate people or one person and then 2 ever-fading photo copies of the first man. Turns out Chase was just returning to apologize. So guess who gets the roses?? Jordan and Robby. From the preview it sounds like Jojo wants to pick Jordan but if they break up she'll regret it. Robby is the safer choice but she will always wonder if her and Jordan could have made it. I say she goes with Jordan! I'll see you next week! I'm not even going to watch the Men Tell All (for the first time) because I hate Chad that much. Ciao!

4 Men, 4 "I love yous"

Greetings! Welcome to hometown dates week! Jojo and her men have left South America and headed back to the land of the free and the brave. We start the week with Chase's date, and I missed the part that said where he lived but let's just say it looks remote. 

You have a house in the city too, right?

Chase is initially worried because Jojo's parents have been married for 30 years and he comes from a "broken home" and his parents don't speak. Jojo is going to meet his parents separately, and they don't even have a father-to-bachelorette heart-to-heart, just Chase and his dad talk while Jojo (I'm assuming) wanders around Chase's house snooping. I started to feel bad for Chase because he is clearly trying to do what Jojo tells him she wants, but it also seems very clear that she isn't going to pick him. 

They head to Chase's mom's house and it goes the way these things usually go. Chase's mom is nice and Jojo does a good job chatting with her. Chase seems on the verge of tears the whole night, and then eventually cries. He then tells Jojo he's falling in love with her, so I think Jojo has a full house in terms of men being in love with her. 4 for 4? She doesn't want to say goodbye, but I have a feeling Jordan will ease her pain.

Jojo heads to Chico, CA, which she claims she has never heard of, so clearly she is not a lover of the classic tv show The OC. Jordan must be from a different side of the tracks than Ryan Atwood, though, because his Chico is full of deer and fields, not broken cars and drug dealers. 

Then I learn some truly shocking news. Jordan lives in Nashville. Whaaaaaa???? I moved away too soon, clearly. This is too much for me! Jordan and Jojo are wearing matching clothes yet again, so I guess even if I hadn't left Nashville, I wouldn't have stood a chance. 

On Fridays we wear olive

Jordan goes for full quarterback cliche and takes Jojo to his high school. He points out his old English classroom and I have to say, I don't think I'd remember any of my specific classrooms if I were to head back to good old West Aurora HS. But maybe I'll break in when I'm home and find out. 

Jojo seems to bring up Jordan's famous brother A LOT, but I'm wondering how much of it is the producer's idea, especially when we see that the table has 8 chairs but only 6 people, further highlighting the absence of the golden child (and his famous girlfriend, Olivia Munn). Jojo also seemed extra nervous and I wondered -- is it because she likes Jordan best, or because she's about to meet the Kennedys of American football? Who knows. I haven't done any googling 'round the gossip mags about Jordan and Aaron's relationship, so I know nothing. Aaron's parents like Jojo and everyone gets along great. We even see where Aaron gets his good looks from:

Dueling pompadours

Jojo spoils the night by repeating her fear that Jordan doesn't actually want to be with her long-term. Come on, girl! Just accept what he's saying, despite the fact that he is so good looking it does seem hard to believe that he'd settle down with just one person. She'll come around I'm guessing. 

And next up is Robby, my least favorite. His beard looks like it was sponge-painted on, and he always sorta seems like he's just reading lines and then being really pleased with himself for saying amazing things. It's tiresome. This is also a man who said he couldn't wait to "finally" tell Jojo he loved her... on their first one-on-one date. So lets see how things go!

They start out in a horse-drawn carriage, just normal every day stuff. Robby randomly tells Jojo that he meant it when he said he loved her. She's like, yeah, I believed you. Chill out, Robby. They show up to Robby's parents house with literally like 10 packages each, it looks like they are arriving at a hotel and have their gift bags for out-of-town wedding guests. Seriously. Why so many presents?? And what are they? 

We come bearing gifts! (for every person we've ever met)

You can't really tell in the pic but they are each carrying about ten bags. We learn some interesting things during Robby's dinner. The top most interesting thing being that he seems to have a brother named Ja-Michael. J'Michael?? Not too sure on the spelling but I rewound the tape a few times to listen again, and confirmed that was indeed the name. So where do we go from here??

How about to Jojo telling Robby's mom she's falling in love with him. Whaaaaa? Whyyyyyy? Is it even true? Not sure. It makes no sense. He is so boring and bland and just uhg. I don't get it, and I don't buy it. Robby's mom tells him that his ex's roommate is out spreadin' lies and he goes to get Jojo from the room where she is chatting with his two sisters. He uses the time-honored bachelor code of saying "I'm gonna have to interrupt" and instead of taking Jojo to a new location, he gets rid of his sisters by saying "I'm gonna excuse you two." Don't care for that!

This rumor is the perfect excuse for Jojo to show Robby the door. She claims that is upsets and scares her, but why? Is she confusing him with Jordan? Unclear. Anyway. They have an incredibly long goodbye in the rain and then Jojo leaves...

...And heads back to Texas, her home state as well as Luke's. We also learn the reason for her many, many gift bags-- she confused Robby's date with Luke's. Somehow to this giant group of people they only show up with one bag and one bunch of flowers. Confusing. 

I can't believe J'Michael got my gift bag.

Everyone loves Jojo so no surprises there. Luke's grandpa is funny. They eat BBQ and play bags. Then Luke whisks Jojo away for a horse ride and a nice make-out sesh on a couch made of hay. Jojo has a very strange vibe of sadness around her that I am having a hard time understanding, but I don't like it! It seems like she's already thinking about breaking up with Luke. No! He has one more surprise for her. 

Will you go to prom with me?

He asks her to prom in front of a rose-petal heart. JK guys, but he is symbolically giving her his heart, to let her know that he's hers. I personally think Luke nailed the hometown date, and he's making my beloved Jordan seem a little phony and fake in comparison. Could I possibly have switched teams?? Yes, quite possibly. They say a pretty quick goodbye and then we head to an airplane hanger for the rose ceremony. They must still be deep-cleaning the mansion. 

Jojo arrives and we get a quick interview with her where she says she is going to say goodbye to Luke. Obviously this isn't going to happen, because why wouldn't they just let us watch the rose ceremony? Luke interrupts, takes Jojo aside, and uses the exact words "I" "love" and "you" so that Jojo is clear on his feelings. She says this changes things because she's been wanting to hear it for "so long." (relatively speaking, I assume). This spends Jojo into a tailspin and she can't stop crying. Ill say this for the girl-- she sticks to a type!

Mount Rosemore

She likes them dirty blonde, a bit of scruff, and a strong nose. While the men stand stoically by, Jojo looses her shit just outside the hanger door. I like to imagine the men can hear everything she's saying. Sadly, we don't get to find out what happens, because the show is TO BE CONTINUED. Yuck, I hate when I do that! Next week we get to find out which three stay, and presumably go on some fantasy suite dates. We also get The Men Tell Nothing which I am not excited about in the least because Chad sucks. So, what do you think? Does Luke stay? And if so--- for how long? See ya next week to find out!

I'm in love with 4 men 

El Bachelor

Greetings from down under! It is absolutely freezing here this week! Non-stop wind, rain, and cold. So I'm just sitting on my couch in sweats, slippers, a scarf, and a blanket, drinking tea. It's hard to believe it's summer up North! (And hard to believe I'm missing it!). I hope Jojo's adventures can distract me from this grey misery :)

I was out of town last week and didn't realize there would be no episode due to 4th of July, so it all worked out! The guys start this episode off talking about how incredibly confused they were over the last rose ceremony. Seemed pretty straightforward to me, but I don't take any type of muscle supplement so my mental faculties may be a bit sharper than some of the men. Alex in particular felt confused and upset, but he is finally getting a gaucho-themed one-on-one date today, so he can "stop bitching" now, as Jordan points out. Yay!

I'll never stop bitching

Jojo and Alex take an SUV into the countryside somewhere, and there is absolutely no chemistry between them. They honestly feel like brother and sister in the back of their parents car on a road trip. They eat chips and talk about nothing. We also learn that Alex believes he can freestyle. (He can't). 

Mooooom, tell Alex to leave me alone!

The other 5 men ride in a pretty cool old bus, even though there are only 5 of them so it seems a bit excessive. They too are free-styling, with some small measure of success, though it is still embarrassing to watch. Also, breaking news you guys, and I hope someone tells Jojo about this because she needs to know:

Robby stole the slippers from the hotel!! Not only that, he is wearing them, apparently, as shoes?

Robby has stolen the slippers from the Plaza, and I hope someone takes the time to tell Jojo about this severe lack of character (and fashion sense). Back on the date, Alex and Jojo ride horses and then watch some kind of horse-whisperer dance that they seem really into. It was probably cool in real life. Via tv it looked like this:

#gaucholife

Later, at dinner, Alex tells Jojo he's falling in love with her and this shocks her and freaks her out. She says she never expected to hear that, and she also tells him that she doesn't feel excited when she hears it from him. I don't know why she didn't just let him go home last week. Obviously she didn't feel very strongly about him, but I wonder why she felt like she needed a one-on-one. I feel sorry for him, but I think he'll get over it pretty quickly. I don't actually think his feelings are that deep. But what do I know? Jojo acts upset in her interview but no tears fall, so I don't think she's very upset either. Moving on!

I'm not saying Jojo likes Jordan more than Alex, but one of them got a backseat road trip and potato chips and one is getting a private jet to wine country and a hot tub. Meanwhile, back the ranch, the men speculate on why/if Jordan is the front runner. They think he got the first impression rose because he gets box seats at the Super Bowl...

I'm not so sure that's the reason 

Jojo brings her crochet bikini back to action this week, so she must mean business. We also find out that Luke is getting the other one-on-one date, because Jojo is not hiding her feelings at all, and plus she likes making out with hot men. The other three are sad. 

Jordan opens up to Jojo on their date about his family and that he doesn't talk to his famous brother Aaron (but more importantly, does he still get Super Bowl tickets?). Then he says he loves her and Jojo is verrrrrrry happy. Can't this season just end now? Obviously if she doesn't pick Jordan then something horrible has happened, and I don't want to see it!

Unfortunately, the season isn't over, and there is still a group date. Or do we call it a 3-on-one? It's raining hard so instead of a mysterious outdoor adventure, the date is inside the hotel. Back at the Plaza in Buenos Aires in fact (I guess Robby can return the slippers now). Jojo has a "perfect sleepover" set up and they eat pizza and fries, do a massage train (reluctantly), play charades and Pictionary, and then truth or dare. They also drink champers and watch El Bachelor, so I would say it is indeed a perfect slumber party. 

So weird

After this day of fun the 3 men make their cases to Jojo-- they are all in love, all want to marry her, and all want her to meet their families. I think contestants are saying love earlier and earlier as each season passes. Usually its just the last 2, but we still have 6 plus men left and they are all in. It's interesting. Robby gets the rose. Meh. He is boring to me. 

Luke's date is next and they seem to go back to the same estancia that Jojo was at with Alex. Fair enough if she wants a do over! Luke grew up on a horse farm so he got to show off his skills and Jojo was feelin it. Yet she seems to cut the date short an instead of having a night-time portion, Luke goes home to get ready for the rose ceremony. I must admit Luke grew on me during the date. I might even be moving over to team JoLuke. I know! Its crazy. But he seems smart and nice, and like he thinks about things in a fair and meaningful way. If all those things are true I don't know what he's doing on this show, but I'm wondering if he'll win. Damn you, show! You've got me on a roller coaster of emotions. 

Horse-barn make-out sesh

At the rose ceremony, James Taylor is out. Not surprising. He is a nice guy though. I bet he will meet someone soon! There must be a sweet Vandy-grad somewhere in Nashville that would love someone to play guitar for her. Don't worry JT! Jojo cried actual tears for the first time as well. 

Next week-- we leave Argentina and head back to America where Jojo meets the various fams, hears rumors about Robby and his ex, and wears a second royal blue mermaid dress. Stay tuned!

Bienvenidos!

Welcome to the Paris of South America-- Buenos Aires, y'all!

What will happen this week? We start out with a brief and pointless (?) meeting between Chris and Jojo on a bench where they talk about how wild it is that she is sitting on a bench in Argentina....drinking what looks to be Starbucks coffee. Which makes it a bit less wild, from my point of view. Nothing noteworthy is discussed, but I do wonder, what does Chris Harrison do on all of these travel adventures? He has what seems to amount to 10 minutes per day of working. He doesn't live in the house with the guys. He isn't a producer (or is he?). I'm curious! And I smell a spin  off!

Pre-order my travel memoirs on Amazon today!

The men find out that for the first time ever there will be a second two-on-one date. I honestly wouldn't have known that this is the first time they've repeated this type of date within a season. I wonder-- who is it that Jojo wants to get rid of so badly? I guess we'll find out, after her date with our tiniest Bachelor, Wells. He is also the only one who hasn't kissed Jojo, and, he's from Nashville! The men make fun of him, and he leaves, shaking like a Chihuahua in wintertime. 

Jojo and Wells wander the streets and then go to something that actually seems really cool, an art performance where first they watch from below a watery clear stage as some people slide around. Hard to explain! In voice overs from the men, they act like if Wells' kiss isn't mind-blowing, Jojo will send him home. I don't think so. I think he's played it just right (though seemingly on accident) and put himself in a spot where Jojo wants him. She gives him the perfect set up, sloshing around on basically a giant clear slip and slide with purple and pink lights, and he makes his move, finally. Jojo actually points that out, saying "we did it" which takes away some of the romance, although the kiss looked pretty mild anyway. 

Kiss N Slide (patent pending)

As it turns out, Jojo doesn't give Wells the rose! She tells him she wants a relationship with long-term passion. He doesn't seem to believe in that, and that's ok. He looked like he knew it was coming. So, it's back to Nashville for Wells, may he be rich in cowboy hats and hot chicken.  Oddly enough, Jojo heads back to the art performance alone.

Just wanted to point out how short Alex looks, and how funny Jojos hands are

On the group date, Jojo takes her many "boyfriends" out into the streets to wander around and play soccer. We are treated to many interviews by James Taylor saying that all the other men are perfect physical specimens, and he isn't. He is feeling insecure. I blame it on the eyebrow scar that resulted from his refusal to get stitches. During the soccer game Jojo runs into Jordan and says "your stomach is so hard." And when he lifts his shirt up, we see this to be true. 

Preview of top 2?

At the group date, Jojo and Luke make out intensely in their matching leather jackets. 

The (dementor's) kiss

I am briefly concerned that Jojo is matching Luke now, instead of Jordan, which is worrisome. Another thing that should be worrisome, to James Taylor anyway, is that not only has he been given high-than-average facetime this episode, which is usually the kiss of death, he has also bad mouthed a front runner. This never ends well. He claims that Jordan is entitled and used the example of a card game. Jojo seemed unmoved and tells his she will "probably" pay attention to this. Unless she gets distracted by teeth, hair, eyes, "hard stomach," etc. But thanks for the tip, JT!

I was worried for nothing--Jojo and Jordan are matching as well!

Jojo confronts Jordan, Jordan confronts JT, its a lot of J-names and not all that much drama. Luke gets the rose because he talked about Jojo and nothing else, and showed Jojo how great a kisser he is. The rest of the guys act lame when she gives him the rose.

The two on one date is as to be expected. The three of them first go for a very awkward tango lesson, and then for a dinner. Table for 3 please! A very uncommon reservation, for good reason. Derrick opened up to her, but I have to say, I have turnt on him a bit. There is something about him that I don't care for. He is cocky in a very weird way. For Chase, she tells him that she needs words of affirmation in a relationship, and although he is not used to giving them, he tries? (Tip to Jojo, if this quality doesn't come naturally, you will be begging for words of affirmation through your whole relationship!). In a very shocking twist, she gives Chase the rose!

Derrick not happy. Derrick sad. 

I was surprised, and so was Derrick. So was Chase for that matter! She walks Derrick out but I'm not sure why because she just hugs him and send him on his way. He is sad in the limo because he now thinks he is imperfect. I wonder, if Jojo had picked him, would that have meant he was perfect? Dangerous thinking, Jim. Chase and Jojo go to a concert where there is FINALLY a song I know, and that is a little diddy from the movie Evita. I had the Madonna soundtrack version in high school and listened to it non-stop, although I've never seen the movie. If I ever travel to Ar-hen-tina I will be sure to watch. 

At the rose ceremony everyone puts in their time with Jojo, and that includes Jordan telling her he wants to be engaged and thinks they can "get there." Her response is to act surprised and delighted that he is finally opening up, but she says the same thing every week to him, so whats that all about? He is constantly telling her his feelings, and she is constantly surprised. Jojo hands out roses to Jordan, (duh), and Robby (not sure why), and then leaves dramatically. She tells Chris she doesn't want to give out the last rose, leading us to believe Alex and James Taylor are both leaving. Of course this is not actually the case, and in fact the opposite is true. She returns with 2 roses and they are both safe, but neither one seems that happy about it. Alex calls them pity roses. True!!

"Alex and James, will you accept these roses, each worth half a rose?"

And that's it folks! Next week I'll be in South Australia on vacay but I will make time to watch of course!

Good bye Chad, Hello....Other Chad

Hello! It's the day we've all been waiting for-- The return of The Bachelorette! And the moment we've all been dreading-- the return of The Chad. Yikes! Let's see how it all plays out!

Well, as much as it looked like Chad was stalking through the woods with murder on the brain, it turns out he just went back to the house, blamed his psychopathic tendencies on all the other men, and then left. Bye Chad! You won't be missed.

Celebrating the "shittiest person ever"

So now we start the episode with a rose ceremony, which is not my favorite format, and was definitely not necessary in this case since the Chad "debacle" was hardly worth a 2-week wait. So anyway, without Chad around to rally against, the men realize they are actually competing against each other. Things get sort of testy, but the important part is that Jordan pushes Jojo into a corner to make out with her, while the men sit innocently by on the other side of the wall. It's not quite as steamy as Emily and Ari's alleyway kiss, but it's not too shabby!

If they only knew!

Ultimately, she cuts weird Canadian Daniel, and a man whose name I dont know, who wrote and read her a poem earlier in the episode. I would have cut someone for that poem too! Good one Joj. Daniel believes that if Jojo was picking people based on looks he would still be there. HAHAHA. He thinks women care about muscles. I will make the analogy that women end up dressing for more other women, since most men dont know the difference between a skirt and a dress, as it goes for muscles on men-- men care about them a lot more than any woman I've ever personally met. Especially when said muscles come at the expense of personality, as Daniel's (and Chad's) did.

And with that, we are leaving Pennsylvania, thank god, and going to Uraguay. Where America's elite go to play? I had no idea, but then again I am not a member of America's elite. 

In a move that surprises no one, and excites no one but Jordan, Jordan is the first pick for the one on one. The men are kind of going to pieces with week without the glue of Chad to hold them together, and now they are turning on Jordan. They project all of their insecurities about his pro-football past onto Jojo, saying she may be getting duped and that Jordan is a player. We have seen no evidence to back that up, so I think they are basing it solely on how good looking he his. They all claim they still trust Jojo's judgement.

Just don't trust her judgement with bikinis, the girl can not say no to a crochet detail!

They show us two seconds of the JoJordan cuddling on the beach, then straddling each other in the water while seals frolic behind them, and then it's back to the hotel for more Gossip with the Men!

Vinny has apparently set up a barber shop somewhere in the hotel and was mysteriously given a gossip mag featuring--you guessed it!-- a story about Jojo. Gee, how did Vinny come across that, given that they are all the way in South America? His explanation is simply "men love gossip." Yes, thats true, but clearly, this mag comes via Chris Harrison. The article is written by Jojo's ex, so clearly a very reliable source, but the men seem very quick to believe it. No one is excited for their group date tomorrow. 

Back on the one on one, Jojo gives us some brand new information, saying that she knows one of Jordan's ex girlfriends, and that girl claims that Jordan wasn't a good boyfriend. If she didnt write a magazine article about it, then I just don't believe it :) It sounds like the girl thought Jordan cheated on her, but Jordan, when confronted, says he didn't. Maybe he talked to too many girls, and he would, because he's a pro athlete and he FINE AS HELL, but I believe his story. And so does Jojo. He explains himself, and even manages to completely turn the tables-- even though Jojo confronted him, by the end she is reaching for him, begging him "dont be mad" [at me for asking you a question.]

I'll never confront you again, I promise!

Now, it occurred to me earlier, when watching the preview, that when we see Jojo crying and saying "I hate him" that she may be talking about her ex, the one who left flowers and a note at her house during the hometown dates last season, that Jojo mistakenly thought were from Ben for about 5 minutes. And that turns out to be the case. The producers show Jojo the article as well. Which is interesting, because during every season there are gossip magazines with articles written about the contestants. Yet usually they make it through the show without seeing them. It's actually pretty easy to avoid gossip magazines-- all you have to do is stay away from American supermarkets, which they obviously all are. So why did this one make its way in? 

All people named Chad suck!

Jojo wraps herself in cozy grey cashmere body armor and heads to the guys' suite for a chat. They all seem to handle it pretty well, at least in front of Jojo. They tell her they are on her side, and Jordan likens it, privately, to the conversation they just had on their date, where an ex was spreading rumors. True, but I wouldn't recommend bringing that point up directly with Jojo.

Moving on! 9 men go on a group date, and 2 men go on a spa day. Lucky bastards!

To Uraguay!

The rest of the group date plays out as they always do. The men reassure Jojo that they don't believe the article and don't care about it. She makes out with Luke. Alex "opens up" in a quite stiff and unnatural way and is rewarded with a peck on the cheek. And Derrick, aka Jim, says he is feeling insecure since its been "so long" since his one on one date (I am guessing its been about 2 weeks?). So, naturally, he gets the rose.

M'scuuuuuze me?

The other men aren't impressed. But on to Robby's date!

Jojo frolics amongst the sand and some weird grey blobs while playing with a dog that might be hers, or might just be a vacation beach dog. Unclear. Robby and Jojo jump off a cliff together, which in Bachelorette speak means that at least one of them must now be in love, and in this case, thats Robby. His love comes off as quite creepy, since it is their first one on one date, and he also says thats he's been imagining telling her this for weeks. Ok, sure! She seems charmed and her words say that she likes him a lot, but I'm not feeling a lot of genuine chemistry between them. They sit in front of some food, and then go kiss on the beach beneath the fireworks. 

I'm not wearing any crochet! 

At the rose ceremony, Derrick calls a group of guys out privately to confront them about something, but I have no idea what he was talking about, so Im not going to bother trying. All we need to know is that there is no cocktail party anyway, and three people are getting cut, so there's no point fighting! The boys are sad. 

Evan, Vinny, and Grant are not moving forward. I hope all the guys got their hair cut this week before Vinny's departure! Next week they are heading to Buenos Aires, and Jojo wears a cool royal blue mermaid dress. The previews also make it look like she dumps someone who she wants to be with but they have wronged her... hmmm, who could it be? Or, is it even the case? The previews are 99% of the time highly misleading. I guess we will just have to stay tuned! But for now, my Final 3 prediction is Jordan, Luke, and..... Derrick? Fourth/ alternate being Robby. What about you guys??

Chad's Rage, Volume 2

Aaaaand we're back! Picking up where we left off, with Chris telling our men that there is no cocktail party before the rose ceremony. Sad! Oh, but instead, there is a pool party--tricked ya! Jojo comes over in one of her favored crocheted bikinis and they start doing shots and synchronized diving. Evan gets a bloody nose and no one knows why.

In what looks like right away but who actually knows when it occurs, Jojo sneaks away with Jordan to a private bench.

I mean, yeah

(Side bar: the men have clearly had some type of arts and crafts day because every one of them is wearing one of these "necklaces" of stiff leather that kind of sits away from their bodies, and some type of beads. It's quite odd, and never addressed!)

Jojo demonstrates the yoga moves she learned with Chase

JoJordan are very touchy feely and they clearly like each other and I am putting him down as my top 2 option. You heard it here first! In fact, I think he may win. 

The pool party is fairly boring for the most part, and we have to deal with WAY TOO MUCH CHAD SCREEN TIME. I do not care what he thinks. Stop showing me. After Chris and Jojo leave Chad sits in the bushes and rips up sticks. Then he comes to confront Jim Halpert (can't remember his name) because he lurked around and heard him tell Jojo he moved rooms to get away from Chad and there is now a security guard. In the confrontation, Jim did a great job! 

Chad, your meat breath was simply keeping me awake at night, thats why I had to change rooms.

He kept his cool, he shut down all of Chad's "points," and he responded in ways that were too complex for Chad to recover from. He also ignored Chad's childish insults, which you don't see men on TV do everyday, so, well done Jim! I promise to learn your real name. 

Swan of doom

The rose ceremony happens and Chad gets a rose and Jojo wants to leave the past behind so they are moving out of the mansion and going somewhere new. I can't figure out where, but there are trees and mud, and Jojo gets there by private bi-plane so I guess it can't be too far away. I was wrong, they are in Pennsylvania, but, WHY? It is all dead trees and brown grass and it reminds me of late April in the midwest when all you want is spring but the weather refuses to warm up. No thanks!!

Luke, who I feel like we haven't seen much of, is the lucky recipient of the first single date. He is a war vet, and he is also from Texas. Close to where Jojo is from ? Not sure. 

This is new

Jojo and Luke hop on some type of 4-wheel buggy covered in fur, carried by eight German shepherds, and captained by a dude in a green shirt. It is odd, but I guess it looks fun. Maybe? Jojo is into Luke because he  looks like a model but he's also a country boy. She wants to know more. Starting with, what do you look like topless. They come upon a wood-oven hot tub, which I did not know was a thing. Seems like that temp would be hard to regulate! Turns out that's true and the water is so hot that Jojo cusses and jumps away. Luke must lower her into the water as if he picked her up out of a wheel chair. Once in the water Jojo and her bright blue (and yes, crocheted) bikini top are finally comfy, and they are able to feed each other (boiled) strawberries. 

Easy does it

In the heart-to-heart portion of the date Luke wins me over a bit. He talks in a way that sounds fairly intelligent and sensitive. And he is cuter than I originally thought.

He gets a rose, to no one's surprise. And then, WHAT? A concert where we get to stand on a tiny stage in front of a bunch of fans and dance?? Sure, that's fun. ? Who is the band? I think every post-date band is actually the same people because the songs definitely always sounds the same. Only when we have a private concert IN a helicopter has The Bachelor truly lived up to its potential.

So intimate

At the house the group date is read and Chad relaxes by the hot tub in A BELT, making threats of violence. Just typical Chad stuff.

My arm veins are a topographical map.... of destruction 

The date is a football date, which I like to think Jojo actually planned in order to give her boo, Jordan, an advantage. They are also both dressed in all black work-out gear so they are clearly synched up. The men run and fall and flip and tackle each other as you would expect. Jordan can throw balls fast, which you would also expect since he played professionally (for the Jaguars, the Buccaneers, the Dolphins. And you guys, his uncle is Don Knotts. How weird is that?? thank you wikipedia). 

In other news, non-grammy-winning James Taylor gets his eye smashed by someone else and he refuses to get stitches. 

Stitches are for women. I prefer hard-core man stuff

When James returns to the group, bloody of face and split of eyebrow, one of the men in charge claim "that's a warrior." This attitude has always made me feel a little bit sorry for men. It seems like they always have to act like nothing hurts, and yet they have also been proven to have a lower pain tolerance than women (It's true, I saw it on Mythbusters!). So if they fall on their tailbone, smash their neck, break their face, etc, they must keep playing. And if they do admit that, say, splitting your face in half actually does hurt a little bit, they are derided and called weak and any other manor of insults, usually words meant to compare them to women. To me, it's sad. But anyway.. James Taylor is continuing forward, most likely giving himself a permanent scar while he's at it. 

Now, for the actual football game that the men must play in order to win time at night with Joj, Jordan is acting as the "all-time quarterback," which could be a real thing buuuuuut..... is it?? Because he is QB for both teams and hence, he will go on the night portion of the date no matter what. How interesting! Of course, if he was actually on one of the teams, that would probably be a bit unfair, but still. I see you Jojo. And I like what you're up to! The Blue team of misfits wins when Jim (sorry, Derrek) steals the ball (didn't know that was a thing you could do in football) and runs it for a touchdown. At least I think that's what happened. The underdogs are pumped! The jocks are sad :(

Look who is sitting next to each other yet again!

At the cocktail party, Jojo sits next to Jordan. She kisses Robbie, but sadly for him, Jordan is also still a person who exists, so.... too bad for you! Jordan is sad that Jojo finds him "hard to read" (since he hasn't told her enough times yet that he likes her). I think Jojo needs more from him (and maybe I'm just projecting here) because she likes him soooo much and also may feel that he is out of her league because he;s so good looking (I don't think he is, but maybe she does) and so she needs him to be more explicit than he's been. He listens to her, and whispers sweet nothings in her ear in front of a fountain. I mean, come on!! Maybe Chad had to stay to distract the rest of the men from seeing that they've already lost to Jordan? Just a theory from the dark side.  Oh, he gets the rose, too. He's winning this, right??

In what promises to be the WORST and most awkward two-on-one date EVER, Alex and Chad are heading to the forest with Jojo. But not without some post-show "I'll come to your house" death threats from Chad first. And directed at Jordan! You BEST get to steppin, Chad. Jordan, there is safe refuge for you in Australia should you feel scared for your life. 

Such a natural and relaxing setting in the late winter woods of PA

Now, Alex is an interesting character to me because he is probably a bit of a hot head, but Chad is human garbage so it's justified. I am glad that he is a marine because that tells me that he is probably actually tough, and not just all talk. That's good for him. He tells Jojo what Chad has been doing, and not in the vague and annoying way these convos usually go down, saying things like "he's different with us" "you havent seen the real him" etc, instead he says "he told Jordan he was going to find him." Well done, Alex. Jojo certainly won't stand for anyone threatening Jordan!! And sure enough, she doesn't, bringing it up with Chad, although it is after she confusingly calls Chad "sweet" and "sensitive." Just because his mom died doesn't mean he is sensitive, girl! Fo' realz though. Chad told you multiple times the only way he can fix things is with violence. He thinks he's being good because he hasn't ACTUALLY hit anyone (yet). 

Let's say Chad's personality has changed 100% since his mom died and he is now a raging maniac and murderous sociopath. Still, Jojo, not the time for you to be in a relationship with him. And if he was acting different from how he used to be, wouldn't he be worried about that himself, and wondering why he feels such violent thoughts when he never has before? This is clearly how he has always been. 

Anyway, Jojo confronts Chad once again, he denies nothing, and she does a little bit of a smack down, saying that he's a fake, he's a liar, and she does not want to be with someone who uses violence as a way to solve problems. Alex gets the rose by default, and I think he knows this, but is willing to go along with it and lighten Jojo's mood for the rest of the night. I wonder if Jojo is annoyed that none of the other men told her how Chad's been threatening people.

Ding dong the Chad is gone

This is how the men react to finding out Chad is gone. And rightfully so! Usually the house of men on The Bachelorette is pretty chill and low key, with men hanging around, farting, and writing musicals. There is no rose ceremony this week, which means we've gone back to that horrible format. We see Chad wandering through the woods, ending up back at the PA mansion and knocking on the door. Which isn't right, because the producers should have tranquilized him as he stalked through the woods and put his ass in a cab back to Oklahoma by now, where, maybe, life is all "airplanes and blueberries" (as he so eloquently stated earlier). The men are rightfully scared and there is a reason I don't watch scary movies. This is turning into one. 

We have no episode next week-- BOO! In two (long!) weeks we have Jojo sobbing, a "reason to be afraid," and Jordan seriously comforting Jojo, once again in matching colors. I'm all for burying the lead and tricking the viewers about who's "winning," but I do sincerely hope they stop before murder or irreversible brain damage occurs. Find out, in two weeks!

It'll be ok. In 8 weeks we can get engaged.