Tracks of my Tears

Well, I am watching this episode as I cook, clean, and pack my apartment, so this recap probably won’t be top notch. Just some thoughts.

Emily’s first date is with Chris, who is 25, much to Emily’s disappointment. She also tells him if she saw him at a bar she wouldn’t talk to him. Ouch. She claims it’s because he’s too cute. He’s a-ight, but come on Emily. Let’s not play games. There are very few people less beautiful than you, and no one on this show is one of them. But I suppose it’s a sweet thing to say. She is wearing a very casual and odd motorcycle tank top, so I guess she really is invested in this whole idea of a guy fitting in to her regular life. I guess that also includes regular clothes. They climb up a wall together, and I can’t decide if that’s more or les scary than climbing down a wall together. She is impressed that he stayed with her. What, he’s going to shoot to the top by himself like it’s a race? Let’s raise the bar a little higher. They eat dinner, then dance to some corny country music (is there any other kind?). He gets the rose and they all live happily ever after.

Nice rose placement

Next up is the group date. They start off throwing a football in the park. The guys are all happy. Then Emily tells them the real activity: getting grilled by her best mom friends. I refuse to believe these are actually her best friends. They are her best friends who are moms, and Emily is like 10 years younger than all of them! So that’s why they are protective. I wonder if any of them are single and if so, are they secretly jealous that Emily gets her own dating show?? Anyway, the guys could not be more excited.

Cant… wait….

The other moms all ask them questions about if they are ready to be dads, have they ever cheated, blah blah. Questions that everyone with two brain cells would know the “right” answer to. So it’s pretty worthless. The blonde mom is in love with a guy who kinda, now that I think about it, reminds me of that Mormon kid who was on Real World New Orleans. He had really light eyelashes too. Emily better watch her back. I have a feeling this one is the other single mom…

“I’m slipping my phone number in your butt pocket right now.”

And just in case you or the guys thought the date couldnt get any worse, all of a sudden what looks like a hundred kids come bursting on to the scene. I bet they are all just wondering why they can’t be poppin bottles on a helicopter now. As am I. But maaaayybe this will really work and the relationship won’t be based on fantasy. We’ll see!

At the after “party” there are lots of tears. Man tears, Emily tears, you name it. First a sad story of someone’s past, then the one dad misses his son, like, a looooot. I dont think he’s gonna win, so he’ll probably be home to Taylor soon enough. If you miss your kid this much just go home! Problem solved.

But Emily’s so hot…

Oh, Emily sends him home. Ok, there ya go. Every bodys happy. This is a long group date! Did you guys know there were twins on this show??

Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-I write really long letters

The other one on one date goes to Ari, who is a racecar driver. He is sorta cute in a run down kinda way. His features aren’t chiseled, so I don’t know if he’s handsome, but he has a certain elusive  attractiveness I suppose. They go to DOllywood which looks really run down, and then they get surprised by Dolly herself. She sings and Emily is really excited. I guess the theme of the season is sparkly blondes.

Emily in 15 years.

SHe gives Ari the rose because he wants kids. But first she toys with his emotions and makes him think he isn’t getting it. His face gets totally red and his pupils dilate in fear. It was pretty mean! Emily likes that he travels a lot because she likes her alone time, just as long as he misses her. I dont know why but I could see him in the top 4. I actually dont know who the other three would be… so far I don’t really see any connections. But maybe they’re just hiding it better so we don’t have a repeat of last season.

Meanwhile, at the Rose Ceremony, Kalen is a serial killer. No seriously. I would not trust that guy around my kid. Or even my goldfish. As conversation flows naturally, and Emily asks a question, his response is “I love it when you talk but I really wish you’d let me finish.” Followed by a creepy giggle, the type of sinister laugh where there’s no joy in the eyes, and the message is “Don’t cross me, bitch.” Im geniunely scared of him.

Emily’s not too impressed either, calling him “tall, skinny, and condescending”

Next, we have another unimpressive performance by this guy:

I feel like I used all my caveman jokes on Ben’s season…

Let’s be honest, this guy was never going to win. But then they both got caught up on the word “compromise.” I am not entirely sure they each meant the same thing by it, but regardless, Shaggy is out. Before the rose ceremony even! Haha. She couldnt even wait an hour. Bye bye.

Sadly she keeps Kalen, and the preveiws suggest that perhaps Ryan is this season’s actual villain… We shall see! In, Bermuda. Maybe some of the guys will get lost in the Triangle.

MUPPETS EDITION!

I will definitely be recapping my Vegas trip soon, but first: Le Bachelorette!

So, it’s only the second week, which means there are way too many guys, but here’s whats up so far. The very first date is with someone named —–. I honestly can’t tell if he’s good looking or not. Sometimes I thought he looked like a kinda cute older dad type, and sometimes he looked like he was just missing a rhinestone encrusted button up and a gold necklace and he’d never have to leave the Jersey Shore. Weird dichotomy. Not my type, plus his muscles were too big. What do you guys think?

Dad or douche?

They baked cookies then he sat in the car while Emily brought her daughters soccer team snacks. Haha. Fun! Of course, since he’s not an idiot, he said he was having a great time. Like anyone wouldn’t play along. Then they go to dinner and a show and danced on a platform surrounded by people. Kinda weird.

So… no helicopter?

They had a decent conversation and Emily responded to his words with other words! Take notes Ben– this is what a conversation looks like. So nice not to just have nods and grunts! Overall it was a fine date.

On the group date I found out the name of the guy with glasses I liked in the first episode. It’s Aaron… and he’s a teacher.  Perfect?

The guys have to perform on stage to raise money for Emily’s dead fiance’s charity. Kermit and Miss Piggy are also there. Im certainly not calling Emily a pig, but they do have some stylistic similarities!

Blonde, pink, and sparkles.

Now you guys all know I love making fun of things, especially this show, and I’ll continue to do so, but so far I think Emily is pretty cool. She talks and jokes with the guys and seems caring and thoughtful and she has freaking great clothes! After the muppet variety show they all go to the normal hotel and Emily has this awesome black little dress with a lace back. So pretty!

She talks with a nice guy named Chris, a young lil dude named Jeff (?), slow dances with Pauly D (at least I think that was him) and then this season’s Courtney cuts in. His name is Kelen or some such, and I do not like him. I shall call him Kourtney. They both have weird lips, shiny faces, and are way too full of themselves. JUST by the way this guy sits I can tell that he thinks he is the hottest thing goin. He tells Emily he has no problem talking to or getting hot girls. Yuck. He sucks. Cute teacher Aaron comes up and tries to steal her. Let him! It’s super awkward.

No socks no service.

She goes off with Aaron, yay, and Kourtney gives him this creepy little smile over Emilys shoulder as they hug goodbye. It’s gross. And then he has a confrontation with some other guys. He really is Courtney! But I have a feeling he will not be winning this season. And if he does I’ll shoot myself. And by myself I mean him.

Every girl wants me

Shockingly, the rose goes to Jeff! The 8-year-old boy who didnt look at Emily enough during the day. So I guess she likes a challange. Or, maybe she is picking him for little Ricky, and she’ll end up with someone else. We’ll see!

The next date is with Matthew McConaughey’s look alike, if Matthew McConaughey gained a few pounds for a role. I wasnt paying much attention to the date except the went to some gaudy hotel in West Virginia where Emily got her “first makeover.” What does that mean? How many has she had? And why? Maybe she used to look like a troll doll! There’s hope for all of us. Maybe I should go get my first makeover at that hotel…

What’s she going to wear to the final proposal? So fancy already!

Ultimately, their date was pretty boring and she didnt give him a rose. This makes Emily cry. Eh. Bye bye. I have forgotten his name already and I am literally watching the show as I write this… But I’m glad Emily is cutting people she doesnt feel a instant spark with. It’s good. If I’ve learned anything being on match.com over the years, its that you can tell pretty quickly if you’re into someone or not. Like within, say, 3 minutes.

At the Rose Ceremony Emily reads a looong, like TEN page letter from Ryan. Really?? What on earth could you fill ten pages with, on a person you’ve spent 1 date with? Wow. They should really post that letter on the Bachelorette’s web site. She also gets rid of cute Aaron. COol! Call me! Dont know who else she got rid of, but unfortunately not Kourtney. Next time!

Stay tuned for roller coasters, man tears, and a shattered ostrich egg. Sweet!

Greetings! Long time no see! I didnt plan to make this blog exclusively bachelor-related, but it looks like that's what's happened! Oh well! Who is excited for Ari's season in January?? I appreciate that the producers knew that they had to cast their net far into the past, beyond all the social media influencers and men with weird hair, back to a simpler time when men were race car drivers and women looked like Barbie dolls. That time was 2012, Emily's season. I am going to repost all my recaps from then, so we can get a handle on who Ari is. Not that I've forgotten! Enjoy!!

From 2012...

This season we will be going along on Emily’s journey to find true love for her and a great dad for Ricky. Tall order! Emily is so pretty she looks fake (and her teeth might be) but Carrie, Kevin and I all had a crush on her from Brad’s season. As Carrie speculated, she’s probably really ugly in real life…. to test that theory, here are some of the many adjectives the men used to describe her throughout this first episode:

gorgeous, stunning (many many times), amazing, phenomenal, holy smokes, beautiful, wow, in awe, absolutely gorgeous, [strong, responsible, independent– what?! these all came from one cool dude], great, amazeballs (jk, i added that one), better in person, hottest bachelorette, hottest mom in the world, jaw dropping, princess… etc. You get the picture!

Anyway, the first few episodes of any season aren’t ever that good. There are too many people, I don’t know who’s who, and there is too much corny chit chat. I had this one on in the background while I made dinner and priced items for my garage sale. So I know no one’s name. Plus, the best part is the preview for the rest of the season.

But, here are some things that stood out from the episode:

A singer/songwriter who claimed writing songs came as naturally as walking. His song consisted of singing the name Emily over and over again. Yeah, I guess that probably did come pretty easy, but I’m not sure it counts as a song….

A racecar driver? Hmmm….

If anyone ever got down on one knee in front of me and said “life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the number of moments that take our breath away” I’d probably puke on their head, so props to Emily for pretending that wasn’t terrible. Actually all throughout the meet and greet Emily was a good sport. I guess the guys are coerced into doing really dumb, embarrassing things, so it’s hard to hate them too much…

Warning: DON’T take a drink every time Emily says awesome or you’ll be blacked out before the show is halfway over.

For the first time I’m starting to feel like a lot of the guys look young (as in younger than me). Looks like my window to be on the Bachelor is closing! Oh no! It doesnt seem like EMily would be drawn to anyone young or baby faced, (or artsy or foreign or skinny) but I guess we’ll see! Just because she looks like Barbie doesnt necessarily mean she only likes Kens (but look at Brad…).

Aaaand 34 minutes in we have our first helicopter sighting! So glad that this show clings desperately to its symbols.

“Whoever this is we’re going to hate him”

Some dude named Kalen comes out and I am not impressed. I am also very tired of names ending in -an or -en. They are everywhere lately, and they usually sound fake. Aiden, Braiden, Caden, Kayden, Shaden, Laden, Maiden…. (I only made 2 of those up.)

I don’t remember anyone standing out except one guy who said he had six kids. I thought he was kidding but then he brought it up again in his exit interview before starting to cry. Six kids six moms? Who knows, he’s gone.

I like this guy:

Someone find out his name so I can see if he’s even still on the show. If not I’ll recruit him for my season.

Anywho- What did you think? Will this season be good? Luckily there are no models so we won’t have to deal with another Courtney. Plus Emily isn’t as dumb as Ben (and much easier on the eyes) so that will help, but I will miss making fun of Ben’s tank tops, hair, and general caveman demeanor.
Come on a journey of loooove with me! See you next week.