Hello friends! Long time no see! I'm back and so is JoJo. She's looking for love, and I'm just really looking for something to do with my time. So, join us as we weed through lots of buff men, jump of cliffs real and metaphorical, and hopefully, if we're lucky, ride in a helicopter or two!
The first episode of any season is usually not great, so let's see how this one goes. We get the usual run-down reminder of why JoJo is here, looking for love in all the RIGHT places. If you recall, Ben said he loved her and wouldn't blindside her. (is it blindside or blindsight? they both appear to be words, and although I am typing this on an amazing machine that is not only an online typewriter, but a dictionary too, I'm not going to investigate further). She is then
blindsided (I looked it up, guys) when Ben says he found love with her, but "found it more" with someone else. Haha. Oops! I think Ben may want to look up the word blindside as well, I don't think he knew what it meant when he said he wouldn't do it. I wonder if JoJo must continue the stakes that Ben set last season, and say I love you to multiple people. Only time will tell.
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| Tellin' some truths |
First JoJo must meet with a tribunal of women who have come before her, Kaitlyn, Ali, and Desi. They warn her about the dangers of lust (and all three would know-- Kaitlyn slept with Nick, Ali picked Roberto and then they broke up, and Desi was dumped by hot Brooks before settling for the less hot guy. They are still together to this day, I just can't remember his name. I'm so happy to have this knowledge at my fingertips, but yet I don't know that the word blindsight means to "respond to stimuli you don't physically see."). They also tell her she should definitely kiss on the first night. Other questionable advice includes ignoring the guys you like for the first week. Ok then! They toast, and then JoJo must go get ready!
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| "Bring on the men" |
She slips into a flesh colored sparkly dress a la Britney spears, Cher, and Kim Kardashian. The dress is not my style but it's a definite step up from her 400-pounds of pink sequins that she wore to her dumping party, aka the final rose, so I won't complain. I'm not going to recap the parade of bachelor audition tapes because they are boring (one highlight: Aaron's Rogers' little brother stands in the rain and makes football puns. Go inside, dude! You can be sad and dry at least).
Let's get to the horribly awkward meetings! We've got bankers, we've got swimmers, footballers, boxing club owners, singer-songwriters, and of course erectile-disfunction specialists. Also a "hipster" which I didn't know was a job but maybe that's just short-hand for boutique maple syrup business owner? Just the usual, really. There are plenty of "you look great"s and "are you nervous" "are you excited" and "thank you for comings" exchanged. She believes all of the men are so handsome and she doesn't throw up when a man tells her he isn't "wearing any panties" so I will give her points for that. Other low lights include a kilt, a Santa, a unicorn carrying a war vet, and mustache puns.
Highlights include All for One singing "I Swear"
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| No, they are not "some a cappella group" |
and this guy
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| Hello sir |
And now it's time for a quick 8-hour cocktail party (from what I've read, these hang outs start around midnight and go alllllll through the night, which explains why people get drunk and/or crazy). Everyone is nervous and it is annoying JoJo because she isn't feeling instant connections to people. Until she meets Jordan.
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| Tell me more! |
Jordan wants to kiss her but doesn't. Will gets a kiss by tricking her with a 7th-grade fortune-telling device. She's not into it. Jordan comes back to make up for his earlier mistake and kisses her. Well we have a front-runner! I'm into it. So is JoJo.
Chad tells JoJo he likes her confidence because "most girls are too worried about themselves." Hmmm. JoJo thinks he's sweet and vulnerable. He is neither, as he shows us in his private talking head, explaining that if he wanted JoJo, he could have her. So this should end well! I have a feeling it will take a while for this one's true colors to shine through though.
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| Why aren't you constantly worried about your appearance like most girls? |
A man from Canada interrogates JoJo about her knowledge of online memes, asking if she's been "following the internet the last couple months." Following the internet?? I mean, can you be more specific?? In Canada it's probably too cold to do much else during the winter, but JoJo is from Texas, so she has no idea what he's talking about. He's very strange.
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| If you think I'm weird now, wait til I poke your belly button, eh? |
He then proceeds to spark debate amongst the men regarding drinking, belly button poking, tie length, and states of undress. Shocking to no one, he ends up in the pool. Now JoJo can send him home for this instead of being a weirdo. Perfect! [post-rose ceremony update: he got a rose. Whaa??]
The men are drinking too much, which is exactly what they are supposed to do. Not one but two men interrupt JoJo in the inner sanctum of the interview room, which I don't believe we've seen before. Lock that door, guys!
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| Too tired to sit on my stool |
JoJo is left exhausted by having to carry on conversations with drunk men. (And there's really nothing less fun. Slurring, words that make no sense, quoting of song lyrics, endless repetition, and the feeling that you don't need to be there at all, because they are really just talking to themselves. Go away.)
In the next scene we hear the dramatic bars of Fur Elise and learn that Ali (or is it Ollie?) can play piano. He even does dramatic finger lifts and lots of trills. JoJo seems to roll her eyes during one particularly dramatic moment (he is hamming it up a bit much for my liking too, sister), but then she praises his skills. And this is no longer a cocktail party, it's a talent show. I really hope someone tap dances.
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| Ok, but what about me? |
JoJo chats with a few more guys, receives a pair of cowboy boots, and finally gives away the first impression rose in a twist that surprises no one except all the guys there because they all, every one of them, thought they were getting the rose. Oh, the confidence of buff young men. It knows no bounds. Only one man can get this rose, though, and it is, of course, Jordan. Some guys seem to think he's fake. Are they jealous, or are they on to something? We shall see!!
In the actual rose ceremony there are no stakes at all, because I don't even know anyone's name yet. Oh but wait, a twist! A weirdly fake, gross, pilot-y twist named Jake Pavlka.... ew. He is apparently an old family friend and a "brother" to JoJo. How old?? Older than the Bachelor franchise? Somehow I doubt it, but maybe. He fakes her and us out for a moment into thinking he wants to date her. Nope!! He just wants to give her advice on how to "get through this." Well guess what Jake, she already got advice! Why weren't you at the tribunal earlier? Maybe he is still upset that Ali left half way through his season, thus rejecting him before he could reject her, and no he will no longer film with her. Just one woman's theory. He basically acts like a poor man's Chris Harrison, telling her to trust her gut (like he did?? He ended up with Vienna so maybe ignore him), and not put her walls up. Is this a Texas-Mexico border joke? Are we getting political on The Bachelorette?? Oh, emotional walls. Right. Got it.
Most of the rose ceremony is men insulting other men in an effort to look manly while actually undermining their manliness and looking insecure. When the ceremony is over we see the rejected men emerging from the house and it is now DAWN outside. There are birds chirping and the wet pavement has dried. That is one long-ass party you guys. Wow.
Coming up this season, lots of tropical water, loooots of Jordan, lots of declarations of love, and lots of men hating on Jordan. Uh oh!! And of course men fighting and physically threatening each other. I liked JoJo last season, and I think potentially she could be an interesting bachelorette. She seemed a bit reserved on this episode but I'll give her time. What did you guys think? Who did you like? Who did you find gross? How many hours would you last at a bachelor/ette cocktail party? So much to think about, but in the meantime, I will leave you with this:
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| Where do you pin the rose?? |
